Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
