We won't sleep together?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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