I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just want nice things and good sex
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
