I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
