I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
