i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I need to calm my uterus...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
