I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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