hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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