You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
