I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
