Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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