I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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