did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
