dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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