so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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