Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
