We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
