I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
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