There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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