My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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