I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
