I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
