What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
