In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
