onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
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