After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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