I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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