Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
