remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
