Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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