Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
