Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
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he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
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I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
soo... how was my night?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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