Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
