This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
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