Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
