Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
