Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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