Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
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