I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
