He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
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