Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
