what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
now i know why i became what i already was.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
