What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
