I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
