I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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