Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
