I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i dont even know how to be here
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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