just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
