Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
