When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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