Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
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She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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