I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
