you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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