My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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