Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
