We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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