9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
