just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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