whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
