Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
