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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Actions speak louder than pants.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
