Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
