I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
