hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
