I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
