if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
