Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
