apparently the secret to your success is patron
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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